This seems like great advice because one result of asshole interaction will be to undermine your confidence in yourself (and others) passively due to their lack of concern, or actively due to pursuit of their objectives. If you’re lucky, you might endure one asshole. But a flock of assholes at once or a series of assholes over time is a challenge and may make it difficult to maintain your self-esteem.

Inspiration for this writing is that the above quote only advocates for awareness. There are so many more things to consider and actions to take once you realize you’ve encountered an asshole or are surrounded by assholes. What do you do once you realize you’re dealing with assholes?

 

I’ve studied the broader concept of conflict within our community, resulting in early versions of an extensive class "Tools for Reducing Internal Community Conflict" that has been delivered locally and nationally and continues to be refined. You can find information on it in writings @LeatherHeart. The class, as of this writing, implies what to do with assholes, but it’s not succinct.

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Caveats & Assholes

Note that I continue using the word "asshole" (a lot) because of the original inspiration. It is used here partially with humor, but also through admitting it is a double-edged word. While we can get into our feelings about assholes around us, we can easily mislabel too many people as assholes because of our own shortcomings. We can become the asshole. That will be addressed. Also note that the word “asshole” is being used behaviorally, for fun, and not clinically. I will also note it was very therapeutic using the word “asshole” so often in one writing! This is a shorter-form writing that explores what to do next when you’re dealing with "assholes."

 

First: Revisiting and Reflecting on the Quote​

• "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." -- Sigmund Freud (not)

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Right? My husband and I have experienced this situation many times, and are still learning to this day. I was not fortunate enough to have learned these lessons from mom and dad, so I was repeatedly impacted by assholes and therefore driven to study it. I consulted with psychologists to get a fast set of learning about this including specific interactions and dealing with specific persons. But abstract or academic situations don't translate into ability to deal with assholes because there are so many variants.

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It’s also not easy to quickly identify all the assholes. Some are very good at playing your friend when it suits them. When things don’t seem “quite right” to you, trust your instinct and try to understand. Perhaps document patterns, not just incidents. Write down dates, behaviors, witnesses, screenshots, and impacts. Track recurring behavior rather than relying on emotional memory. Separate facts from interpretations. Preserve and correlate evidence before confronting or taking action.

 

You might also check reality with trusted people. Ask grounded, discreet people in professional language, “Am I seeing this clearly?” Avoid gossip circles that amplify outrage. Seek feedback from people who will challenge you, not just validate you. Use advisors, mentors, elders, producers, board members, or community leaders where appropriate.

 

Once you realize you are surrounded by assholes, what do you do?

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Realize there are a lot of different types of assholes.

If you create just one class of assholes, you limit your ability to have a proportionate response. Without this approach, your response can make you into an asshole or appear as an asshole to larger sections of community.

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Some people we encounter just make mistakes, are having a bad day, or don’t have the tools and resources to deal with certain situations. There are those who are in a temporary bad mindset. Some people will act out due to misunderstandings. These people are usually not assholes, but may be impactful.

 

Some people may have sound arguments against your positions or ideas. Although potentially frustrating to you, this might lead to an "agree to disagree" situation or perhaps it can lead to compromise. These people are usually not assholes. They have valid objectives or values that are different and competing with yours.

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There are other assholes who cause damage, don't care to heal, and are unconcerned about spreading their pain to others in pursuit of their objectives. Some of these are narcissists, psychopaths, and anarchists. They exist on a spectrum of impact. Generally they won't change. So, expecting this class of asshole to change is a waste of your time -- and not your job.

Some assholes may act out due to trauma in the moment or from how they were raised. Some may emerge from this. Some may not. Try to be compassionate toward them, especially if they show signs of wanting to heal.

 

In conclusion for this section, use proportionate responses to assholes. Match the response to the severity, pattern, and risk. Do not use “nuclear options” for ordinary interpersonal friction and seeming assholes-in-the-moment. On the opposite hand, don’t use gentle avoidance when someone is actively harmful. Escalate only when escalation is justified.

 

Don't let the assholes change you for the worse.

In dealing with assholes, it’s a risk that you too become an asshole. This might be through your actions because your “buttons were pushed” or you were triggered. Don’t let yourself move away from your values and integrity. Don’t allow yourself to be triggered. In my experience and study, this is a primary strategy of assholes -- to push you out of your own reasonable behaviors into something uncontrolled -- so that you can be criticized or immobilized socially. You become the asshole, and at that point, cannot easily defend yourself from the assholes.

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I have concluded that a great approach is treatment of everyone with honest compassion, even the assholes. Practice this. Stay professional and compassionate. Don’t verbally and publicly label an asshole as “asshole.” Rather, state the undesirable actions or impact. Realize that it is compassionate to let an asshole know they are causing impact and that you cannot be around them, if you do so in a calm and kind way. If needed, it is compassionate to let others know in a reasonable, non-dramatic, professional way that an asshole exists (without labeling them “asshole”), because you are protecting your friends and community from harmful behavior.

 

Avoid cancel culture or social media drama. Avoid public flame wars. Besides causing negative impact, it’s likely you will become, or be perceived as an asshole in that forum. Protect your reputation without feeding drama. Stay boring, factual, and calm. Don’t match the asshole’s emotional intensity. Let your conduct become part of your strength and defense.

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Are you already an asshole? Have you become an asshole in this situation?

First, try not to be an asshole. Second, self-reflect.

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Realize that others may label you as an asshole because it is a control tactic when you disagree with or oppose them. This is almost unavoidable if you are well known or active in the community. When the claim you are an asshole arises, be introspective to see if it is true or a potential manipulation.

 

If you think the allegation is true, apologize and change.

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If the allegation is false, consider ignoring it. When you engage in a dialogue of “No, I am not an asshole” with the asshole and they respond with “Yes, you are” – you’ve taken their bait and are being controlled by their narrative. If you must defend yourself, talk about facts and your actions as being reasonable, ethical, required, etc.

 

Avoid resolving issues on broad social media and at large live forums as much as possible. The broader the social media or live event, the more likely there are others that don’t care at all about, and don’t want to get involved in, your plight or that of the asshole. All they see are two assholes fighting. If you do engage, you’re at risk of being drawn into the gutter by the asshole in this larger forum. This insight is expressed in the section “Nobody’s Coming to the Rescue” in my conflict class.

 

This also implies you shouldn’t try to outsource all judgment to “the community.” Communities are often inconsistent, biased, tired, conflict-avoidant, and often drama-seeking (they instinctively want you as entertainment). Also remember that social consensus is not the same as truth and popularity is not evidence of ethical behavior or safety.

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More specifically, choose the right forum for action. Handle minor issues privately. Use organizers, hosts, dungeon monitors, consent teams, boards, or mediation structures when appropriate. Avoid trying to litigate complex conflict in broad social media spaces. Know when the correct forum is no forum at all – in other words, not every situation requires a response or talking about it.

 

Don't waste your time with assholes.

Are you the one wasting time? Is it your fault? If you don’t set and maintain appropriate boundaries, perhaps it is your fault. If you repeatedly apply “Everyone deserves another chance” to the same person multiple times, perhaps it is your fault. If you let everyone into your inner circles of trust too quickly, perhaps it is your fault.

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Saving your time is also about knowing when repair is possible with the asshole. Look for ownership, changed behavior, apology without excuses, and respect for boundaries. Don’t confuse charm, remorse theater, or temporary compliance with repair. Allow room for people to grow when the risk is low and the effort is real. Do not require yourself to participate in someone else’s “redemption arc” where they seek growth to atone for their past misdeeds. They should take this journey themselves.

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Some assholes will always be an irritant, causing issues, causing focus on pain and bad things rather than fun and community value. You don't have to waste your time with these people personally or publicly. At some point, it is not your job. Decide when enough is enough and the asshole will not resolve the issue. By giving assholes attention, you may play into their ploy for attention or scheme to achieve their objective.

 

Set clear boundaries early with assholes by deciding and communicating what behavior you will no longer tolerate. Communicate limits calmly and specifically. Avoid over-explaining boundaries to people committed to violating them. Distinguish between personal boundaries, event boundaries, group boundaries, and community standards. Which of these apply to you?

Use distance strategically as a technique. Reduce access to your time, attention, body, reputation, and social network. Mute, block, unfollow, leave chats, skip events, or change seating/social patterns. Make yourself less available to the chaos of the asshole. Peace is a valid objective for yourself.

 

With compassion, avoid and isolate assholes from your circles. You might, with compassion, help them find a place to engage that is not around you... the place where they can be the most effective, and maybe heal. A place far from you.

In the extreme, you should consider preparing an exit plan. Decide what would make you leave a group, event, relationship, or role. Leave before you are completely depleted. Preserve key relationships separately from toxic spaces. Sometimes the healthiest action is relocation, not reform. I’ve done that in multiple toxic organizations and have no problem doing it again.

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Preserve Yourself – Avoid the Drama Triangle

Your health and positivity are more important than worrying about assholes. It’s easy to get wrapped up in social drama because it feels critical and urgent. But is it? The Drama Triangle is covered in my conflict classes and is widely available on the Internet. Look it up. It’s a trap. It’s addictive. Avoid it.

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Consider reminding yourself that your purpose is larger than the current asshole situation. Re-center on joy, service, kink, leather values, friendship, creativity, and community. Do not let the asshole become the main character in your life. You might ask yourself, “What am I trying to protect or build?” Be happy by staying aligned with your values, not by defeating every asshole.

 

Closing

In quick summary, we’ve covered these concepts:

 

• Types of assholes → proportionate response, distinguish harm levels, repair possibility.

• Don’t let them change you → boundaries, reputation protection, staying grounded.

• Are you the asshole? → self-audit, reality-checking, avoiding manipulation.

• Don’t waste your time → disengagement, exit strategy, avoiding attention traps.

• Preserve yourself → higher purpose, stay above the conflict, maintain your joy.

 

Freud, in full cow and a leather Muir cap, was sitting in a dimly lit dungeon lounge consulting with community leaders, when he calmly said, “Sometimes an asshole is just an asshole — but the harder lesson is learning how not to let them become the author of your life.” Many community members present at this event frantically scribbled these words in their notebooks. Most of them quickly forgot.

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