Purpose

Purpose of this writing is to convey ideas, structures, and tools to bring more inclusion to alternative lifestyle communities. It is a written form of a 90-120 minute class that is typically presented live. This class has been delivered in many forms adapted to the audience, times, and areas of inclusion that are important to the community. Information is provided as a community service by Domum Corium Cordis, House of Leather Heart.

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Background

This writing is based upon many years of experience in alternative communities, interviews with over 30 community leaders and influencers as well as topic experts and scholars in this topic area. It was refined in a live class that has been presented many times nationally by Bear Mike and Bear Marvin.

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If you would like this course to be taught live for your community, please contact the authors at head@houseofleatherheart.org.

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History

This class was taught physically at Onyx Blackout 30 (Chicago), Austin Kink Weekend 2025, LA Leather Getaway 23, CLAW23, CLAW Virtual 14, and AEL Munch Nov 22.

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Note: This textual material does not cover variations of the class, withfocus on particular inclusion concepts, that are prepared for each location.

 

Motivation

Exclusion is nothing new to humans. It has happened everywhere, throughout history. It’s difficult for people in a dominant culture to even notice that exclusion is happening. Once a person in the dominant culture is made aware of exclusion they are causing, most don’t want to do anything about it! It’s too much work. They may be afraid of change or backlash to themselves. However, we know that inclusion can make things much better in the workplace and in our communities. So with that motivation, we’ll focus on how to find cultural humility, find ways to include, and find the right way to exclude (inclusively) to create safe space. We’ll do so by providing ideas, structures, and tools.

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This class served as a foundation to explore "Tools for Reducing Internal Community Conflict" because exclusion and isolation are sources of community conflict. The course does not focus upon conflict, but does contain many examples and tools to prevent and address conflict.

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Class Text

Presenters of Live Class & Developers of Class.

Context about class presenters is useful in understanding their perspectives and bias in presenting the class.

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Bear Marvin (he/his), Lash Onyx, is married to Bear Mike, is co-head of house of Domum Corium Cordis. is a member of Onyx Men of Color, Founder Onyx High Desert Chapter, President of NM Sisters, Corazón Leather 2023, New Mexico Leather Bear 2019, associate 15 Association and CHC, and Mama’s Kinky Martian. He presents successful events, is a transgender advocate, has been an HIV/AIDS awareness volunteer while in the Navy, and participated in the 1993 Gay & Lesbian March on Washington. Marvin identifies as a Dom Switch, enjoys Impact play, rope, fisting, watersports, power exchange and exploring more in BDSM. Bear Marvin is a cis black male, gay man.

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Bear Mike (he/his), is married to Bear Marvin, is co-head of house of Domum Corium Cordis. He is Vice President NM-REAL, Inc., at 501c3 leather organization in New Mexico, associate 15 Association and CHC, Guard in the NM Sisters, is Mama’s Alpha Tech, and has been a past member of multiple organizations.  He  He is an advocate of and serves his alternative community. At work one role he has is as a D&I representative. He teaches nationally on naked yoga, kinky naked yoga, electroplay, Better BDSM with Passion, and this class. His current projects included a detailed history of New Mexico Leather and Alternative communities and a class Resolving Community Conflict. Mike enjoys impact play, electroplay, watersports, sounding, fisting, and much more. Bear Mike is a cis white male, bisexual man.

 

Starting to recognize Inclusion & Exclusion

Let’s begin to recognize the process and experience of exclusion through a few examples.

• Bias from the vanilla community.

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As members of alternative communities, we experience lack of D&I all the time. We may fear being ourselves in public, fear community shaming, and even job security. We see that safety in public is being taken away from political pressures. Even foundations of gay rights are being opposed by the gay community that no longer wants to see leather or drag in pride parades. Some of the gay community wants to absorb and adopt normative cultures, forgetting those rights are easily lost.

• Black is intimidating.

 

As an African American, Marvin has been, and to this day is accused of being overly aggressive, simply by being himself. Black is seen as intimidating by the dominant culture, leading him to have to be careful how assertive he is. In other ways he is ignored, such as when has stood at a bar and received no service, while others in normative culture are served around him.

 

Some Definitions

Before we go further, let’s get on the same page with some definitions. You might not agree with these definitions. If you have disagreement or other ideas, consider these as temporary as placeholders for context.

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• Diversity (objective) - State of having variety, a pathway to inclusion.

• Equity (how) - Fair & just practices, policies to create access, opportunity, and support.

• Inclusion (resulting environment) - Result of proactively practicing diversity, Genuine sense of belonging and value.

• Justice (ongoing effort for those impacted) - Proactive change for fair treatment of those impacted.

• Privilege - A right, immunity, benefit, advantage that one person or a group has over others. We all have privilege. Privilege is not bad in itself – it is how you came to this point in your journey – it’s how you use it.

• Safe Space - Place providing a physically and emotionally safe environment for a person or group of people, especially where they can freely express themselves without fear of prejudice, negative judgment, etc.

• Supremacy Culture - State of being supreme or in power – a primary influence. Can include active violence. The worst part is pervasive culture behind it.

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Pause and Consider

As an exercise to give this topic context for yourself, consider these questions: What is one important type of exclusion you’ve seen? For that one item, ask yourself: Is it positive or negative exclusion, or both? Name it and briefly describe it to yourself.

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Exclusion: Types & Reasons

Here is a list of exclusions we’ve collected. Exclusion can be a useful and positive action. Exclusion can also be unacceptable. Here are some types. Those preceded by “+” are typically positive, those preceded by “-” are typically negative.

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• + Safety – Physical - Untrusted or unsafe individual. Kink activity considered unsafe.

• + Safety – Mental - Need a safe space, need focus for play. Likely-triggering activities (violent play).

• + Play Preference - Not all kinks or fetishes may mix well in the same place (e.g., ABDL & intense BDSM).

• + Legal - <18, <21, local laws, law & BDSM.

• + Code Bar - Require a specific dress or uniform. Might impact those without funds.

• - Implicit Bias, Learned Bias - Privilege, Culture, Supremacy Culture.

• - Hate (Racism, Classism, all the “isms”) - Distain for a particular part of our community.

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Pause and Consider

As another exercise for yourself, ask this question: What does it take for you to feel included in a space, at an event, in a group? Name it and briefly describe it to yourself.

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Components of Community Inclusion

The following list are components of inclusion and examples of inclusive feeling that might exist in different situations.

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• Clear Rules - Knowing you can be involved by rule, preferably written.

• Being Welcomed, Accepted - Approached, active interactions, not ignored, when you arrive.

• Being Seen, Affirmed - Included in agenda, advertising, discussions, activities.

• Belonging / Seeing Yourself - Feeling welcome, relaxed, comfortable in the local culture.

• Being Tolerated - At least being allowed to exist in the space without much confrontation by most. While it may be initially offensive to some to consider "being tolerated" is acceptable -- think about it more - it happens all the time.

• Being Invited - Asked to participate, attend, engage.

• Feeling Safe - An existing and enforced code of conduct, preferably written.

• Being Accommodated - Your special needs are met when attending, few barriers exist limiting your participation.

• Being Acknowledged - You’re publicly mentioned as attending, thanked.

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CASE STUDY 1: Neurodivergence

Let’s use a case study to potentially help you see privilege and how others with privilege may exclude even without knowing they are doing so.

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Homosexuality was considered a neurodivergence, a mental illness until 1973 in the DSM-II until the APA removed it as a mental disorder, replacing it with “sexual orientation disturbance.” In 1987 homosexuality was removed from the DSM. The World Health Organization removed homosexuality from ICD-10. The challenge continues. Use this example to help see that neurodivergence is not always bad.

 

Neurotypical refers to minds that function like most of their peers. Neurodivergent can be viewed in a positive way as a natural form of diversity, not a pathology. Examples are Dyslexia, Autism, Compulsions, and Schizophrenia.

 

Neurodiverse can only exist in a group or population of individuals. A single person cannot be neurodiverse. A person with multiple conditions is known as “multiply neurodivergent.”

 

Like any privilege, such as being neurotypical, you can be blind to exclusion of those who are neurodivergent. Neurotypical people don’t have to worry about challenges of neurodivergence – just like straight people don’t have to worry about challenges of being gay. Therefore, neurotypical people may not understand and therefore be afraid or offended by neurodivergence. Neurotypical people may not think about accommodations needed for those who are neurodivergent.

 

Tools for communicating about and with those who are neurodivergent include these:

 

Use affirming language with everyone.

• Your differences – not – Your deficit

• Traits/Characteristics – not – Symptoms/impairments

• Thrives on routine – not – Inflexible/rigid

• Preference for indirect gaze – not – Avoids eye contact

• Deep interests – not – Obsessions

• Low/high support needs – not – High/low functioning

 

Don’t joke around or provoke behaviors.

• Don’t try to elicit neurodivergent behavior by joking, saying you can hear voices, or

• Don’t call their differences “super powers” (e.g., ability to talk to ghosts).

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Other suggested Accommodations, Train Staff

• Provide clear communication, be direct.

• Be patient and understanding – may take more time.

• Respect and accommodate sensory needs: Set up quiet, calm, low light, spaces at your events.

• Visual aids (diagrams, pictures) for those who have difficulty with verbal information.

• Create quiet space; Consider signage: “Quiet Space Available,” “Sensory-friendly Space” with specific rules posted in that space. All could use this! “Please Ask Before Touching.” Neurodiversity awareness.

 

CASE STUDY 2: Gender

Let’s use another case study to help you see your privilege and how others with privilege may exclude even without knowing they are doing so.

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Gender identity is a source of exclusion and opportunity for inclusion. It is frustrating for some in the dominant culture to understand this, particularly cisgender of any sexuality or race. People in that culture may think:

• It’s too difficult keeping track of pronouns.

• I don’t want to be held accountable for making mistakes.

• How do we make safe space for changing genders?

• Who is allowed in a particular space by gender when it’s not just women and men?

• Why do we (the dominant culture) have to deal with this?

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One major source of this issue is that dominant culture uses a Gender Binary concepts.

• Female/Male, Feminine/Masculine, Same as biological sex.

• Expectation about how you dress, your hair length/style.

• But many throughout history did not fit this mold.

 

Like many human attributes, gender can be expressed in multiple spectrums, including gender non-conforming. Many cultures over time have accepted this. Examples of alternative genders are transgender, non-binary, genderqueer, gender non-conforming, agender, neuter, bigender, pangender, polygender, genderfluid, third gender. Note that “Intersex” is a situation with genitalia. Most intersex people actually identify as either male or female.

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So the root of gender exclusion is historic dominant culture where gender is how you appear (presentation) and that you are either male or female. This is clearly a false notion as gender has nothing to do with clothing, and even clothing styles change over time. To be inclusive requires understanding that we cannot rely upon dominant culture for guidance.

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One tool to use for gender inclusion is use of proper pronouns and display of pronouns in email footers, badges, lapel pins, etc. Use correct pronouns. Perhaps default to “they” if you are not sure. Ask pronoun preference. If you may a mistake, briefly apologize and move on! No worries! Wearing pronoun pins are not just for you – they show others that you care about correct pronouns, which is an inclusive act. Accommodate pronouns on forms and website. Make available gender-neutral restrooms. Make sure gender-diverse people are seen in advertising, event pictures, etc. Be clear about gender-exclusionary safe spaces and events (more on this later).

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Another tool to consider is The Genderbread Person Version 4 (by Sam Killermann, https://hues.xyz/). This is a clear model that shows that gender expression, gender identity, gender attraction, and anatomical sex are separate things.

• Gender Expression - Actions, clothing, demeanor. Changes over time, culture, location.

• Gender Identity - Your headspace, experience.

• Gender Attraction - How you’re drawn to others, sexually, romantically, other ways.

• Anatomical Sex - Physical traits born with or develop, “sex characteristics,” also assigned at birth.

 

The three items of gender identity, gender expression, and anatomical sex are defined by both scales of woman-ness and man-ness that are disconnected from one another. In other words, the more “woman-like” you are does not detract from how “man-like” you are. Both off these scales could be near zero, resulting in a more neuter person. Both scales could be maximized, meaning that a single person is both very “man-like” in some things and very “woman-like” in other things.

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Unlike normative culture, gender identity is not equivalent to gender expression and neither is equivalent to one’s “sex.” One’s gender is not equal to one’s sexual orientation. Additionally, sexual attraction is different than romantic attraction. Check out the link to more easily understand these concepts.

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Alternative Community Inclusion & Exclusion

Now that we’ve gone through two case studies that are easier to understand, we can better explore prevailing or predominant culture and how privilege can lead to prejudice against alternative communities. How are we allowing exclusion in our own alternative communities. How can we include? Here are some examples:

• Kink Privilege - Ability to own leather, BDSM equipment. Buying your own lid versus being capped in a ceremony. Subs being invisible to inclusion, exposed to “_isms.”

• Fetishizing inappropriately – Not inclusive - Fetishes are just fine until they hurt. You may not be aware when they hurt. Consider asking first.

• BDSM Play Intensity – Shaming or exclusion - SSC versus RACK – or just intensity. Playing being too intense: Repellant, Unsafe, Triggering. Play being not intense enough can lead to labels if being inexperienced or unworthy.

• Ignoring Bootblacks in our midst - Bootblacks are a revered element of our community but, bootblacks have often been treated as second-class citizens, not having the same treatment as other title holders, not having travel funds, etc.

 

More Detail on Exclusions – The Isms

While reviewing these exclusions, it will be useful to consider these questions: Have I experienced such an exclusion? Have I enacted such an exclusion? Is this exclusion valid?

 

• Agism – Depends upon age. Examples include experience shaming, the TNG organization.

• Ablism – Includes visible and invisible items about ability. Examples include those in wheelchairs, blind, deaf, and neurodivergent.

• Sizeism – Also size shaming about weight and body size. Example issues include avoidance and accommodation.

• Sexism – Refers to those against men, women, and other categories. Examples include only allowing men or women.

• Transphobia – Anit-transexual activity. Examples are exclusion of trans, stating cis-only, and other criticisms.

• Homophobia – Anti gay.

• Gender Expression – Includes exclusion of queer, non-binary, genderfluid. Examples include shame and criticism.

• Gender or Child appearance – Involves shaming for kink style. Examples are leather & lace, Adult Baby Diaper Lovers (ABDL).

• Racism – Exclusion based upon ethnicity, skink color, culture.

• Castes – Exclusion based upon group affiliation. Examples include Dom/sub/Switch, Bootblacks, Lace, ABDL.

• Economics & Authority – Involves ability to afford leather and attendance of events. Issues where money compromises policies, such as acceptance of non-inclusive sponsors, advertisers, or partners. Stature in the community can involve where those with money or high prestige are allowed to break the rules.

• Community Experience – Issues around new versus established community members. May result in shaming.

• Extreme sexual display or repression – Display of sexual activity is not always accepted, such as no sex in some dungeons.

• Extreme Play – Can involve shaming for allowing or disallowing extreme play by policy. Can also involve shaming light play by those who prefer extreme play.

• Return to Normative Culture – Refers to mainstream gays that are against leather and kink in public events such as pride parades.

 

Components of Community Inclusion

In order to feel included and have safe space, there need to be clear rules followed by everyone, that are enforced. Rules should allow people to know they can be involved by policy. They should preferably be written and reduce ambiguity. The rules are rules for everyone and known by event staff. Rules should be enforced, not ignored. A written enforcement policy should exist. While you may lose people attending your events or venue from these rules, how many will you gain? Most likely you will gain more than you lose. An anonymous process for feedback and follow-up should exist to help improve and evolve your rules as well as help see where there is an issue with enforcement.

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Exclusion as Community Inclusion

When is it OK to exclude? Feeling safe may need an exclusive space. The Playground at Folsom Street Fair is a space for women of every kin and all trans and non-binary folks. This space is exclusive to cis-men in order to create a safe space for others. Why? Because many spaces are already safe for cis-men. It’s fairly easy to argue that safe space is more needed by the marginalized. Even so, The Playground takes care to help cis-men know where they can wait for friends that come to this space.

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Examples of exclusion include events with dungeon space that excludes certain people. Play may only work well with a safe space for different groups. Larger events may have three to five dungeons to create safe space. Some examples are:

• South Plains Leather Fest 2023 – Had five dungeons: All / BIPOC+Allys / Queer+Trans+Non-Binary+ Gender-Fluid / Men / Women.

• Women of Drummer Contest Weekend – has had three dungeons: Pan-All / Women / Men.

• Onyx Blackout 2019 @ LA Sanctuary had four dungeons: Pan-All / Trans / Women / Men.

 

How you exclude is important. Exclusion is usually just fine if it is stated in a positive, non-harmful way in order to create safe space for a part of the community. Some important concepts around appropriate exclusion are:

• Clearly explain the purpose. Be Transparent.

• Don’t use non-inclusive words.

• Help direct excluded people to other safe spaces for them.

• Say what you are, not what you don’t want.

• Provide a path for feedback.

 

As an example, if you wish to include transmen in a male dungeon:

• Don’t use “Male Dungeon. Transmen are men” because it calls out the marginalized group.

• You might want to use “Male Dungeon. Not limited to Cis Men” which states what you want.

• If you use “Male-Identified Dungeon” then it may be too general, as anyone claiming to be male-identified should be allowed in, even if they have a very female appearance.

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Creating Inclusion – Being proactive

The “Table Analogy” is a tool for considering how to create safe space, sometimes expressed as “Join a table,” and “Make a table.” Note that a “Table” refers to an existing organization, group, event, social construct, etc.

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When one joins an existing table, you need to adapt to those at the table then evolve change for your group and the community at that table. Positives in doing so include helping a broader community change at the existing table and less initial work. Negatives about joining a table is that it is usually a slower process where one may need to endure initial toxicity, seeking change can be exhausting and you might burn out. It can take time to change a table.

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When one makes your own table, you control the change yourself. Examples are Onyx Men of Color, Women of Drummer, and Desire! at Palm Springs. Positives of this approach include quick focus on your own needs and helping the broader community change through establishment of a new table. Negatives include that this is more initial work and more responsibility.

 

To be complete here, you can also try to pause or end an existing table, but is it worth it? That’s your choice; however, consider that some tables that do not change go away themselves. Ending a table may cause a lot of conflict and personal stress.

 

Advanced Topic: Levels of Community Inclusion

A 5-level scale of community inclusion is a tool that can help you reflect on the status of your organization or event. Having a common subjective scale can help simplify your thinking. Note that one space may be fully inclusive for one group of people but intimidating or exclusive for another group. What if we use these five levels to think about each area of inclusion or for each group significant to the event?

 

1. Fully Inclusive (always “Yes!”) - No barriers, proactive engagement for all

2. Engaging - Focus is somewhat limited, such as “Women.” All others are welcomed, seen, involved to some degree. Space set aside to welcome others.

3. Tolerance - You can attend, but need to make things happen yourself, some attending will not have focused engagement

4. Intimidating - Focus is somewhat limited, such as “Men.” Open to all others or some others, but likely ignored by the event, not much to do for the others.

5. Exclusive (“No!” in some categories/groups) - Specifically limited attendance or engagement.

 

Please note that there is no innate judgement in this scale. It is just fine to have an Exclusive event, but how you do that is important. If you think you want and are a Fully Inclusive event, but are not, then perhaps you have work to do. Where do your events fit on such a scale? Where do you want them to fit?

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Advanced Topic: Roots of inappropriate exclusion

Understanding roots of exclusion can help avoid personal angst or frustration around exclusion and about why it is happening. Understanding it may help you encourage change. Societal Supremacy is a key root cause of exclusion. Understanding it can help you see how to make change.

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Root: Larger societal ocean in which we swim. Usually, the culture we deal with in the USA is a white male dominated environment, but that is not always the case. By human nature, the dominant culture is motivated to protect the status-quo. Most people that benefit from this, those in the dominant culture, are oblivious to it – because it is their privilege. In the USA this is often called “White Supremacy Culture” and it exists almost everywhere in our society including banks, laws, schools, etc.

 

Root: Indoctrination. You have been brought up with values. Are they all correct? Even minorities are brought up in a supremacy culture that may blind them. For those in the dominant culture, their indoctrination privilege will often blind them to the issue. Their schooling likely has not let them know about exclusion issues because their schools are biased. Help them learn.

 

Root: Not speaking up. When we see issues and ignore them, we maintain the issue. We might think, “Nobody else is saying anything. I might also be excluded if I speak up.” But you can choose to do something now, or at the appropriate time. Alternative communities may be challenged in speaking up because it is contrary to their culture of privacy and desire to prevent outing.

 

Root: Our Fear. Fear is the source of many other emotions and behaviors. Fear can lead to anger, hate, distrust, etc. Some fears are loss of control/power/position, loss of safe space, the unknown or change – as opposed to allowing things to stay the way they were. An example is… Vaginas! If one doesn’t’ know how to engage them, one may fear them. Some behaviors from fear include fighting against the source of your fear and exclusion – active or passive.

 

Conclusion

This writing was a means to convey ideas, structures, and tools to increase community inclusion. Yet this textual format is insufficient to convey the complete content of the original 90-120 minute course on “Improving Community Inclusion.” You may wish to explore this topic more on your own or attend the live class. An important part of the live class is participant interaction and discussion that more clearly ties these concepts to real experiences and evolving cultures. If you have comments about improving this content, let us know! You can contacts us at head@houseofleatherheart.org.

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References (not complete list)

• “Diverse Populations and Relationships in Kink,” TASHRA, Alexandra Gold, Nov 20, 2020.

  • For lower-income folks, accessing trainings, classes, and community events may be a challenge. The majority of empirical studies find that their samples of kinky folks are well-educated, often including (frequently costly) higher education. This correlates with a lack of accessibility, shaping kink spaces that are perhaps not representative of a greater kinky population.

• “Challenge at the Intersection of Race and Kink: Racial Discrimination, Fetishization, and Inclusivity Within the BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, and Sadism-Masochism) Community,” Jennifer M Erickson 1, Anna M Slayton 2, Joseph G Petersen 2, Hannah M Hyams 2, Lori J Howard 2, Shane Sharp 3, Brad J Sagarin 2 Arch Sex Behav. 2022 Feb;51(2):1063-1074. doi: 10.1007/s10508-021-02102-9. Epub, 2021 Sep 22.

• People of color were 16 times more likely than non-people of color to feel discriminated against at BDSM events and 17 times more likely to feel fetishized. Qualitative results included troubling stories of overt racism and offensive racial slurs, and examples of microaggressions, feelings of isolation, and feelings of being dismissed. The results suggest that organizations can increase inclusivity by understanding the unique costs faced by people of color with an awareness that these costs might be invisible to non-people of color, diversifying positions of authority and leadership, and teaching well-meaning members what types of behaviors could create a hostile environment.

• Undoing White Supremacy in Kink Community, https://www.uwsinkc.com/

  • A place for people in BDSM, Kink and Leather Communities to explore white supremacy culture, racism and colonialism; to critically examine how we experience it in our communities; and to understand our role and responsibilities in undoing racism. Associated with Undoing White Supremacy Austin (UWSA) a group which is supported in turn by the People’s Institute for Survival and Beyond (PISAB).

 

Other written resources consulted in generating this course (incomplete list):

• “How to Unlearn Racism - Implicit bias training isn't enough. What actually works?” Abigail Libers, Scientific American, 2020 Oct 01.

  • Great summary of a broad set of issues and players in this domain.

• “White Supremacy Culture Characteristics,” Tema Okun, Website, https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/characteristics.html.

  • Document on Tema Okun’s website with a more comprehensive list of characteristics.

• “White Supremacy Culture,” Tema Okun, dRworks, dismaltingracism.org.

  • Summary list, characteristics of white supremacy culture and suggested antidotes. Not consistent or summarized compared with other lists.

• Undoing Racism, The People’s Institute for Survival and Beyond, pisab.org.

  • “Our aim is to undo racism and other forms of oppression.”

• NARN (Northwest Animal Rights Network) DEIJ Glossary, narn.org.

  • A great glossary from an organization that works on intersection between human and non-human exploitation.

• My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies, Resmaa Menakem

  • The body is where our instincts reside and where we fight, flee, or freeze, and it endures the trauma inflicted by the ills that plague society. Racism is not just about the head, it’s about the body memory.